Thursday, February 12, 2015


-V is for Vampires-
            Alright, Reader- there’s a few things we gotta get out of the way.
1.                  Vampires do not sparkle in the sun, they burn.
2.                  Vampires drink human blood, not tomato juice, not animal blood, not the color red, humans- their blood, to death.
3.                  Vampires are weak against things like garlic, crucifixes, holy water, and people who wear scarves. They are not weak against teenage love interests or emotions.
4.                  White hair and dark Goth clothing is not actually what they wear- most are over seventy years old, so they got out of that phase a while ago.
5.                  If you’re a teenager or young adult hoping to meet a random vampire that will randomly love you more than every other person he or she has seen in the past 300 years of their lives… stop.
6.                  …Because they’ll just drink your blood, to death.

            With these common misconceptions out of the way, we can now begin to understand what vampires really are: the best damn Japanese and Latin-American cuisine chefs this side of anywhere- that’s what they are!
            After spending so much time traveling the world, they would obviously know all about preparing the world’s tastiest foods. Burritos, sushi, tacos, ramen- Hai, they know it all, Señor o Señorita de mia. They’ve traveled the world, drinking blood from every people on Earth, and in the deepest, darkest, most emo recesses of the vampire underworld, the vile nosferatus decided that the Latinos and the Japanese were by far the tastiest. They concluded that their blood’s tastes must be a direct product of the food they ate, and after much research, discovered that any human of any ethnicity can taste as good as their prized bloods from Japan and Central America, all they had to do was feed them copious amounts of sushi and burritos.
            Do you live in a first world country with access to all sorts of cultural restaurants? The United States, perhaps?
            … Haven’t you wondered why there are so many Mexican joints, and why sushi is so popular?

            …Beware the great feeding, Reader. It is soon to strike the U.S., so get ready- and by that I mean wear a scarf- it’ll protect that neck of yours.