Wednesday, February 11, 2015

S is for skeletons!

-S is for Sk-sk-skeletons!-
            READER! READER! You foolish floozy! Why did I ever think it a good idea to go haunted house squatting with you?! Are you like, a hobo or something? Well, too late to be sorry, I can hear xylophone music.
            … You don’t know how back that is? You’re joking, right reader? … Oh boy, well it’s time to fill you in, on SKELETONS.
            Skeletons are pretty much the spookiest, scariest, most skeleton animal in all of the animal kingdom. Mean and dumb people are actually those infected with especially powerful skeletons that are waiting to just jump out of their host’s skin. You see, Reader, humans and other vertebrate creatures did not always have skeletons inside of them. Back in the dino days, everyone was just blobs, and then some science happened, and then suddenly skeltonitis was born. It was a horrible disease that created skeletons in anything it infected. Octopi and other really smart ones went into the deep ocean where they wouldn’t be inflicted by the deadly, calcium-enriched plague.
            Now, dear Reader, there is a skeleton inside every living vertebrate, and in case you missed it, humans are vertebrates. No joke, Reader.
            There’s a skeleton inside you, right now, just waiting to jump out of your skin and start dancing.
I’m sorry it had to end this way, Reader. I must say you were always one of my favorite Readers. Ahh, but the xylophone music is growing louder and nearer- we have no time to save ourselves. You see, skeletons are unkillable, because they’re already dead. … No, Reader, don’t give me any of that “but you can just break their bones!” stuff. Everyone knows that bones don’t break unless you’re into Xtreme sportz, and I don’t see a skateboard, pair of rollerblades, or jet engine in that backpack of yours. Skeletons just drink milk, and they can do pretty much anything: walk through spike rooms, constantly roll D-12 crits, make tacos, and even fight sickass demons in skeleton hell. So yeah, Reader, it’s been a good run, but here they come for the closet door… Oh no… R-reader… I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you this before, and I know it’s stupid because it’s too late, but you’re a pretty okay person and I think I l--…
            Oh, sorry, kid, yeah, we’ll get out of your house. Well, Reader, looks like we’re okay! It really was just some creepy European kid practicing his xylophone for his father’s greyscale art-academy movies.

            …Oh, and, just forget what I said in the closet- It was a moment of human foolishness, and we both know humans aren’t really that worth listing to!... R-right?!