-S
is for Sk-sk-skeletons!-
READER! READER! You foolish floozy! Why did I ever think
it a good idea to go haunted house
squatting with you?! Are you like, a hobo or something? Well, too late to
be sorry, I can hear xylophone music.
… You don’t know how back that is? You’re joking, right
reader? … Oh boy, well it’s time to fill you in, on SKELETONS.
Skeletons are pretty much the spookiest, scariest, most
skeleton animal in all of the animal kingdom. Mean and dumb people are actually
those infected with especially powerful skeletons that are waiting to just jump out of their host’s skin. You see,
Reader, humans and other vertebrate creatures did not always have skeletons
inside of them. Back in the dino days, everyone was just blobs, and then some
science happened, and then suddenly skeltonitis was born. It was a horrible
disease that created skeletons in anything it infected. Octopi and other really
smart ones went into the deep ocean where they wouldn’t be inflicted by the
deadly, calcium-enriched plague.
Now, dear Reader, there is a skeleton inside every living
vertebrate, and in case you missed it, humans
are vertebrates. No joke, Reader.
There’s a skeleton inside you, right now, just waiting to jump out of your skin and start dancing.
I’m
sorry it had to end this way, Reader. I must say you were always one of my
favorite Readers. Ahh, but the xylophone music is growing louder and nearer- we
have no time to save ourselves. You see, skeletons are unkillable, because they’re
already dead. … No, Reader, don’t
give me any of that “but you can just break their bones!” stuff. Everyone knows
that bones don’t break unless you’re into Xtreme sportz, and I don’t see a
skateboard, pair of rollerblades, or jet engine in that backpack of yours. Skeletons
just drink milk, and they can do pretty much anything: walk through spike
rooms, constantly roll D-12 crits, make tacos, and even fight sickass demons in
skeleton hell. So yeah, Reader, it’s been a good run, but here they come for
the closet door… Oh no… R-reader… I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you this
before, and I know it’s stupid because it’s too late, but you’re a pretty okay
person and I think I l--…
Oh, sorry, kid, yeah, we’ll get out of your house. Well,
Reader, looks like we’re okay! It really was just some creepy European kid
practicing his xylophone for his father’s greyscale art-academy movies.
…Oh, and, just forget what I said in the closet- It was a
moment of human foolishness, and we both know
humans aren’t really that worth listing to!... R-right?!
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