Friday, February 13, 2015

K is for Kangaroos

-K is for Kangaroos-
            Watch your game, Reader. Kangaroos are some tough company to be around. They are masters of combat, training from the pouch to the grave, and they love taking people up on challenges. In truth, they’re actually quite friendly mates to be around- friendly unless challenged, of course. The problem here is that doing any of the following is considered a challenge to them:
            1. Making eye contact with them
            2. Saying any word from any song by the band Survivor
            3. Hopping, skipping, or jumping at anytime
            4. Liking any band not from the eighties
            Should a kangaroo accept your challenge, you’ll need to take your time, take your chances. You’ll need to go the distance and stay up on your feet, just you and your will to survive.
            You must strike with the eye of the tiger, yes, it will be a thrilling fight; rising up to the challenge of your rival. And if you’re the last known survivor stalk your prey in the night, but the roo will be watching you with the eyyyyye of the tiiiiger
            Eh, sorry, but yeah, keep your head about you and deliver straight, strong punches, just deliver that kinetic energy in a way that your opponent will find highly unpleasant… But I think the Crocodile Hunter way is better…
            Wait, you really don’t know? ... I swear, Reader.
            Alright, you need to dress in all khaki, boots, the Australian works, and what you need to do is to just grab your attacking roo and yell descriptive statements and exclamations. Take this example:
            “CROOOOOIIIKEY! ‘AVE A GO AT THIS, MATE! THIS IS A ROO! IT’S PELT SHEDS TWOICE DURIN’ THA’ YEAH AND ‘AS A ROW A’ RAZA-SHAAHP TEETH! CROIIIIKEY! JUST GOTTA’ GET THIS BUGGA ON THA’ GROUND ‘ERE… ‘ERE WE GO!”
            Of course while you’re describing the kangaroo, you’ll need to be wrestling it to the ground with your bear hands, and for some magical reason the animal’s nervous system will stop responding and you’ll have subdued the savage beast! It works for every kind of animal except… Well, except stingrays.

            … I miss you, Steve.