-P
is for Piranhas-
READER, GET OUT OF HERE!
Come on, Reader- Piranhas?! Do you even know what these things are? I bet your
friend, parent, or significant other just blubbered out something like
“blohwell thur just river fish with teeth.” They are not just river fish with teeth! These are dangerous, deadly
creatures, not because a school of these jerk’s’ll chew you into pieces in a
matter of seconds, they actually hunt with poison, not swarms!
Number one thing about piranhas, they’re not actually
fish, but quadrupedal land-dwellers roughly the size of an elephant. Their
seven rows of teeth are all made from poisoned exploding knives that shoot out
of their mouths and are armed with stealth fields and are completely silent and
will totally blow you up if you picked a fight with them… No I’m joking.
They’re fish, and they’re around the size of your hand,
but they definitely shoot poisoned
teeth at you and eat you after your untimely demise. It’s tragic, so please,
watch your step around the beaches of the United Kingdom and Western Europe-
it’s super dangerous.
The only natural defense against piranhas are being cool.
So… not really sure how to say this, Reader… but you have a little ways to go
before you’re safe from piranhas. Of course, you could be plenty cool, but it’s
unlikely you’re cool enough.
If you meet any of the following critera, you’re safe for
the beach:
-You’re a practitioner of any martial art, particularly kung
fu (or “cool fu”, either or.)
-You were born somewhere other than Earth (bonus points
for a birth in deep space)
-You’re wearing aviators, or some sort of
thin-rimmed glasses
-You’re a writer (Extra points for fantasy, crime,
horror, or mystery genres)
-You play a sweet musical instrument (extra points
if you’re currently playing it)
-You’re a cool hero of something. Firefighters,
legendary heroes, veterans for cool armies, you know, cool people
-You’re a Wombat
If you’re cool enough to meet all of
these criteria, you could probably tell
the piranhas what to do rather than just survive them. That’s almost impossible
though, because you’d have to be a wombat writer born in space wearing
aviators, among other things.
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