Sunday, December 21, 2014


-N is for Newts-
            Newts are pretty cool, Reader, but you know that- and if you don’t, I say it’s time you begun to understand their nuanced newtery!
            These slimy superheroes are considered the finest companions of the animal kingdom- because all of them are either psychic, blessed with divine premonition, have X-man powers, or something cool like that. As a general rule, they’re very knowledgeable, and are most comfortable lying about on your shoulder explaining how things work. They can tell you about how to cook things, basic game mechanics, critical hit-zones, machine blueprints, and even how to tell good jokes. Let’s try a quick quiz:
            You’re a level 3 dwarf rouge, and you find yourself surrounded by menacing… cats! Blech! Your trusty newt companion wraps around your ear and says the following.
            “Hey Reader, you should:”
            A: Take a load off and pet these belly-up cats- be sure to expose your jugular!
            B: Boy, fighting cats is hard, why don’t you just leave, huh? That treasure’s not worth it.
            C: Cats are easy, just charge right in and start changing their litter. They hate that!
            D: Grab one by its tail and swing it around! Protect your neck! Don’t shower!
Truly, the only sensible choice would be D- as cats would attempt to murder you in all four cases, but only option D would grant you any success in defeating the feline menace. Cats hate it when you pull their tails, so only do it if you’re engaged in mortal combat with them.
            But yeah, D is what a newt would say, not the other three, those three are all cat suggestions- and are meant to trick you to your unwitting doom.
            So, to befriend you your very own newt, go to the nearest local pet store that sells newts and ask for a newt. Buy ‘em- you’re done.

            …What? You thought it would be complicated?