Friday, December 19, 2014


-M is for Mantis Shrimp-
            Let me tell you a tale, reader, of the most horrifying creature moving about the depths of our very oceans. A creature so merciless, so cruel, and so powerful, it has proved to be the doom of thousands of sailors. Reader, this creature doesn’t run into ships, ships run into it. Naturally, I speak of the great terror of the waves, the Mantis Shrimp, or in the old dark language of its kind: Rog’mergorf.
It is a creature that can see a million more colors than us, giving it all the richer a palette of creativity to draw from when it decides how to murder its prey. Scientists estimate that were a wombat to meet a Mantis Shrimp and then engage in the ensuing battle, civilization would be decimated in a matter of minutes, and the planet would be glassed over from the intense heat produced from this apocalyptic clashing of forces. Reader, you’ve wondered what the illuminati does all the time, right? It’s preventing this.
            The Mantis Shrimp’s limitless, planet-destroying power lies primarily in two things, its left arm, and its right arm; should you mess with either, you will be punched through beyond your bones and organs, your very soul will be destroyed. Its fists go beyond the intensity of the sun in both force and temperature, and enters the ethereal plane of the wombat- that is, over one wombillion degrees. Don’t you see, Reader? The symbolism of the W and the M of wombillion? If you mirror them and flip, the M becomes a W, and the W an M. Wombats and Mantis shrimp are two sides of the same apocalyptic coin, both personifying ultimate mortal power, simply in different ways. One of the sea, the other of the earth, both the indomitable sentinels overseeing all of creation- truly, if the mantis shrimp’s two arms are two of the horsemen, the wombat’s eyes and fur pelt are the other two. Remember this lesson, Reader, and never forget the truth. One of society’s primary motives is to make you forget about the unchecked power of nature, lying dormant through the very veins of the Earth- don’t forget, Reader, and you’ll be ready once the day comes.
            As the Wombatical sect of Christianity teaches, the beasts of the book of Apocalypse are these two creatures of limitless power and cruelty. Be ready, for the separation of the chaff is soon at hand. Repent, and be spared, or else know the wrath of the end of the world.

            … I’m joking, Reader. No mortal could ever kill a wombat. Just please don’t mess with Mantis Shrimp, those fists really are nasty.