News update: 2/25/15

I've been keeping up with writing, don't you worry, dear Reader.

Yes, yes, working hard and making things become finished. Recently I completed the rough draft of the Awesome Animal ABCs (or whatever it will be called in the future, not sure) and I've been preparing for a bee-themed short-story contest by Wicwas Press, and have been churning out pages for a new short story, called "The Solution".

Now,  due to my new series in channillo is particularly for short stories, I suppose I will post it there. The only downside is that I won't be able to publish it for free. I'm still planning on how to work this out- it will certainly still be available on sites like amazon and such, but for a price, probably something along the lines of cheap, like $0.99.

That said, look forward to my new stories coming out soon, and my channillo.com series!

P is for Piranhas

-P is for Piranhas-

    READER, GET OUT OF HERE!

            Come on, Reader- Piranhas?! Do you even know what these things are? I bet your friend, parent, or significant other just blubbered out something like “blohwell thur just river fish with teeth.” They are not just river fish with teeth! These are dangerous, deadly creatures, not because a school of these jerk’s’ll chew you into pieces in a matter of seconds, they actually hunt with poison, not swarms!

            Number one thing about piranhas, they’re not actually fish, but quadrupedal land-dwellers roughly the size of an elephant. Their seven rows of teeth are all made from poisoned exploding knives that shoot out of their mouths and are armed with stealth fields and are completely silent and will totally blow you up if you picked a fight with them… No I’m joking.

            They’re fish, and they’re around the size of your hand, but they definitely shoot poisoned teeth at you and eat you after your untimely demise. It’s tragic, so please, watch your step around the beaches of the United Kingdom and Western Europe- it’s super dangerous.

            The only natural defense against piranhas are being cool. So… not really sure how to say this, Reader… but you have a little ways to go before you’re safe from piranhas. Of course, you could be plenty cool, but it’s unlikely you’re cool enough.

            If you meet any of the following critera, you’re safe for the beach:

            -You’re a practitioner of any martial art, particularly kung fu (or “cool fu”, either or.)

            -You were born somewhere other than Earth (bonus points for a birth in deep space)

            -You’re wearing aviators, or some sort of thin-rimmed glasses

            -You’re a writer (Extra points for fantasy, crime, horror, or mystery genres)

            -You play a sweet musical instrument (extra points if you’re currently playing it)

            -You’re a cool hero of something. Firefighters, legendary heroes, veterans for cool armies, you know, cool people

            -You’re a Wombat

            If you’re cool enough to meet all of these criteria, you could probably tell the piranhas what to do rather than just survive them. That’s almost impossible though, because you’d have to be a wombat writer born in space wearing aviators, among other things.

Not resting on these laurels... Nope, not these ones I'm sitting on right now!

Hey, Reader!

Great news, Paper is a resounding success. I mean, it's hard for something that's free to not be massively consumed, but boyo, I'm getting lots of blog traffic, downloads, and all that jazz! Thanks everyone!

Onto the true purpose of this announcement, however- I'm writing-on and almost done with a project I've started back in November. Remember those Radical ABCs? Well, good news, it's coming to all your favorite ebook providers, purely yours, and purely free! (Well, unless it's on amazon.com. I can make it free there, but it takes a little bit longer ;-; )

Here's a small taste of what to expect. It's meant to be a humor-via-misinformation book about animals, and some non-animals, and their corresponding first letters... I think I made that sound more complicated than it needed to be, Reader. I'll just post this bit and hope it gives you a good idea:

-R is for Raccoons-

            In the high-class business world, sometimes you just need someone who can get things done-the kind of capable go-getter that’ll start and finish the fight with or without permission. Whether you need an investor, lawyer, assassin, banker or super spy, the Racoon’s your animal.

            Raccoons are bred to be the elitist of elite animals, who are at a young age placed in those fancy boarding schools in England that you see in TV shows and movies and such. They ride horses, speak with British accents, travel in blue police boxes, and generally British it up during their training as the classiest people in the world, MI6 agents.

            If you’re wondering if a raccoon has been trained to perform like the elite, just look around shadily as if you have some awesome secret to keep from the Raccoonian government, and hold your hand to your ear as if you had a transmitter. If successful, the nearest raccoon will probably do something cool and spy-like. Shooting off a flare or talking on its little ear talkie, or breaking your neck- you know, spy stuff.

            Raccoons, whether they employ as businessmen or politicians, are all spies for the Raccoonian government. If you’re a president, overlord or ruler of some sort, you would be well-advised to get up with the Racoonians ASAP. If you don’t, they’re likely to see you as an enemy and have you monitored by their skilled viewcoons… N-not that they’d really do that or anything! The Racoonians love humans! Hail Racconia!

            …I’m being watched.

---

And there you have it, Reader! Much more of this to come, so keep an eye on the blog. Keep in touch and let me know if you have any specific requests for animals you'd like me to do.

Much probably non-sexual love,

Kell Inkston

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - I

-I is for Iguanas-

            You think you know everything about Iguanas, right? Pretty standard, boring lizards, right?

            Think again, Reader.

            These are the living themometers of the animal kingdom, even putting the planet mercury to shame with their temperature-telling abilities. Ready to learn their great secrets? With these under your belt you can accurately tell the temperature anywhere. Listen closely to the wise Iguana, and there is much for you to learn of the world.

            Here’s a quick list of the phrases to watch for. I’ll be using farenheit in this case, because using inefficient systems of measurement is something Iguanas love.

            Say to yourself: “If my Iguana says or does “X”, Iguana know now that”:

            Says nothing: Temperature is around 70 degrees, comfortable for pretty much everyone except lava monsters.

            “Oliolioliooooooooo”: Relatively toasty, 75-90, don’t be shocked about the accent- Iguanas are a people of many cultures and tounges.

            “Ahhhhhh”: Hot, like 90-120 hot. Why do you even live in a place like that? I mean, I like beaches too, but do you really want all that sunitis? Is it really worth it?

            “I’M ON FIRE HELP HELP ME PLEASE HELP OHHHH HELP”: You’re probably on fire, melting, or being vaporized. Don’t worry about your Iguana though, these babies can take temperatures up to four thousand degrees!

            “Brrrr!”: Lower temperatures, 35-70

            Starts singing holiday songs: Intense cold, -100 to 35. You best snug up to your iguana for warmth- they’re the warmest warm-blooded animals around! Just don’t die. Dying while listening to “Jingle Bells” is generally considered an embarrassing way to go.

            “IT’S A WOMBILLON DEGREES OUTSIDE”: There’s a wombat outside. Grab your lizard and run.

            Now you know, and if you find any new temperature readings, Iguana know about it!

…Get it?

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - H

-H is for Humuhumunukunukuapuaas “scientific name: Rhinecanthus aculeatus” AKA:Reef Triggerfish-

            Ahh, the humuhumunukunukuapuaas, what a majestic, long-named beast! The uneducated would just casually look it up on their witchery devices and tell you it’s a tropical fish from tropical Hawaii, one of that U.S.A. place’s fifty states. Foolish witches- as if your “cell phones” actually know anything!

            The Reef Triggerfish is the most hardcore fish in the ocean- next to Mantis Shrimp, Megaladons, and the biblical Leviathan: Maker of Waves. They’re the only fish in all the seven seas that boast not only an in-grown AK-47 with an unlimited magazine of hollowpoints, but the ability to fly with its sizable jet booster attached to its nose. Remember all those pirates swimming around the Caribbean, who do you think got rid of them? The English Imperials? Psssssh, no, it’s these guys. This, Dear Reader, was the prime inspiration by the Wright Brothers, those ingenious circus actors/inventors that created the first working airplane. It was only a matter of time before they attacked a machine gun on those bad boys and voilà! Imagining the resemblance now?

            It is little known that Reef Triggerfishies comprised every airborne division of the Hawaiian Volcano Lord Kamehameha, a cruel man known well for both his ability to charge his super attacks for several episodes, and his affinity for volcanos. Back in the secret age of the nineteen zerohundreds one could see them zooming everywhere in all of the tropical, triggery... reefy glory. They take a solid fourth spot on the ocean’s coolest animals-they’re also a hit at fireworks and air shows.

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - G

-G is for Grizzly Bears-

            W-watch out! What’s that hiding in those nearby trees? D-darn it, Reader! I told you we shouldn’t have gone camping out in a mountain biome- being sucked dry by mosquitos beats getting mauled by squirrels any day! Oh no, here it comes out of the brush, get that knife ready, Reader! Okay, g-… Oh, it’s just a bear. Put that cutting tool down, reader, this is a noble protector of the wild!

            Bears are about the most peaceful folks to ever chill out on our planet. They’re actually quite kindly to you as long as you don’t challenge them. The problem here is that bears interpret challenges upon their honor in very peculiar ways. If you are under level 15 and have a deathwish, do the following to meet your end:

            -Cover yourself with food

            -Attack it

            -Hug, pet, kick, or interact with their children in any way

            -Look delicious at all

            -Start forest fires

            -Be a bee lord, the sovereign foe of all bear kind

            So watch your game, Reader. If you’re nice they’re usually shy, quiet mountain creatures with a high resistance to frost- if not, you’re a dead duck, a doomed didgeridoo, a demonized…

            *ehem*

            Anyway, Dear Reader, don’t panic. Usually you can get on their good side by giving them an offering of a dead bee lord, a few gallons of honey, or the disembodied souls of ten-thousand bees… Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: the honey one is definitely the way to go. However there’s a few exceptional ways to buddy up to bear. If they’re country bears you could throw them a big jamboree. If they’re made of arterial materials you could just make ‘em a big blue house. If they’re Russian you could call their name, Molotov, as you mix a great vat of borsht. It’s common knowledge that all Russian-born bears answer to the name of Molotov, and that they all love borsht- which makes them strong like Russian beet.

            Be the friend of bears, Dear Reader, and enjoy all zero benefits their friendship brings. Well, unless you count not getting mauled a benefit… Yeah, I guess that is sorta cool.

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - E

-E is for Evil Cats-

    Let’s face it, cats suck pretty much 100% of the time. I know there are some cool things cats can do, like pooping on the shoes of guests you don’t like, or murdering your spouse, even providing some rare, soft comfort when the cat deems you worthy of spending time with it- but that’s where the good things end. You may have seen these creatures of legendary evil before: they’re always quieter than their environment rendering them without sound- unless of course they’re having one of the dreaded “cat fights” in which two of these demons face off against one another- get ready to not sleep at all. They also have a thick coat of fur that changes colors based on the color surrounding them in their natural habitat, high pieces of furniture and couches. In most cases, cat attack victims do not realize they are in the presence of a cat until it’s too late, and their neck has been sliced by their fiendish claws.

            Their prime tactic for destroying you is a cross of stealth and seduction, so be warned. Just came out of the shower? Feeling like relaxing with an adorable furry friend? Oh, he turned his belly to you? Think you can just pet him and get away with it? Well go ahead and *BAM!* DEAD!

            Always be on your guard, and only pet them when their feet are on the ground- the only way they could eviscerate you while their feet are on the ground is if you were the ground. I’m pretty sure you’re not the ground, so you’re safe.

            As a general rule, these fluffy grim reapers can be bribed with the souls of lesser creatures, like mice, voles, birdies, so if you ever have a problem with any of these pests, a cat would be a considerable choice for your Astral Xterminator Xtreme (Don’t steal that name I called it but feel free to use it as your cat’s title... I put the “Astral” in there to make it sound cooler- sorry if that wasn’t clear).

            Oh yes, and cats pee on everything, including the corpses of their fallen foes, so watch that- they’re pretty gross.

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - D

-D is for Dinosaurs-

                                Let’s not lie here, dinosaurs are sweet. Let’s go over some of the indisputables.

            Dinos have/can:

-Out-dance any other animal

            -100% protection from meteors/extinction

            -Teach kids typing, ABCs, and 123s

            -Go on adventures in lands before time

            -Love soaring around in airplanes

            -Spend most of their time eating each other while screaming super loud

           

Really, what’s not to love here?

Now, I know a lot of people try to tell you that dinosaurs were all different shapes and sizes and stuff- I’ll tell you right now that that’s a bunch of hooey. Dinosaurs are magical, four-horned creatures that have AK-47s for face, walk on crab legs, and can fly with their majestic, magical wings.

Yes, there are lots of bones in the ground that these scientists call dinosaurs, what they’re missing here is that these are actually the dinosaurs victims. When you don’t pay off your daily dino-tax in a dino-infested area, you’re going to get a scary, nasty visit from the “Scale Gang”; a huge group of dino thugs that love to shake you down for your delicious yogurt (all dinosaurs are dairivores) and then murder you. It’s pretty crazy stuff, but there’s a way out. They’ll pass their wrath over you and display mercy if you wear an official Scale Gang T-Shirt (now just $15.99 at participating retailors) Get yours today!

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - C

-C is for Cocks… uh, Roosters-

                So yeah, roosters are basically secret ninja assassins. The only reason they yell in the morning is to issue a challenge to all farm animals, none of which are awesome enough to take up the rooster and get into a sweet rooster ninja battle- cows may talk a big game, but they always back down- punks.

            The daily life of the rooster consists of arduous training regiments, not sleeping ever, and eating their young to increase their power. They’re pretty super badass- not as badass as wombats, but definitely the farmland champions.

            It is a little-known fact that roosters do in fact lay eggs they just hide them and use them as projectiles during combat. It’s a rookie mistake to think that they’re the male chickens, so don’t do it, or else you’ll get ambushed.

            It’s worth stating that roosters also have death-vision and can see into the souls of their victims. It is for this reason that you should never have one as a boyfriend or girlfriend, because the positives of having a loving, responsible, killing-machine boo is far outweighed by them knowing all of your deepest, darkest secrets. Now, unless you’re some “pure of heart” hero that thinks “twerking” is something you do with a “ratchet” (not entirely untrue, depending on definitions) you should avoid roosters and never ask them out for coffee.

            Roosters make great normal friends though! If you bro it up with one of these bad boys, you can just be all like: “Yo, rooster.” And rooster’ll be all like “sup?” you can just point out someone and ask them to find out their evil secrets.

            Ever wondered how celebrities always get caught doing nasty stuff? Roosters- the spirit animal of the CIA, MI6, and pretty much everyone else that does secrety things on the side of probably-good.

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - B

-B is for Bees-

                What’s there to say about the noble bee? Quite a lot, beelieve it or not. Now, everyone knows bees live in hives, which is basically a bunch of hardened gross stuff like the ants, but bees at least have the common courtesy to have their disgusting homes some place where you’re not going to step in it- I mean come on, ants; are you even trying?

            #1 thing to know about bees is to never mess with them, they’re like homing missle-rocket killing machine things, except they’re alive. You piss these badasses off, and you’re about to have a hundred poisoned flying knives stabbing your face. Don’t do it. If you even touch one of these angry winged Valkyries who have been raised with a whole diet of vinegar and salt, it’ll set off a little “bee signal” sending the entire horde your way to give you a birthday you’ll forget, only if you forget days in which your face is less “face” and more “angry poisioned flying knives that wait for you even if you hold your breath underwater”. So bee warned. To commune with the bees and beecome their allies, you’ll need to walk directly under their hive, spin around three times, and yell “HORNETS ARE POSERS” for an hour straight, after that, stick your butt into the air so that the queen, by now wondering what all the buzz outside is about, can give you your honorary stinger, thus employing you as a “bee keeper” the term given to those stalwart defenders of be kind. For your service you are delivered a jar of honey every week to pour upon yourself in glorious decadence.

            As a newly-born bee keeper, you receive sweet new bee-magic powers so awesome you won’t even beelieve it! Ready?- if you get on all fours and start crawling around on a circle while going “BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ” over and over, you’ll start to randomly transform inanimate objects around you into pure honey! Do this in public places for extra effect, because bees are communal creatures, and as such so is their mighty honey-making magic. It’s really funny if you do it in an apple store, because sometimes you honeyize one of their overpriced $2000 computers that have inferior specs to non-apple $500 computers. It makes the employees so mad, but when they come over to ask you to leave the store, you can just sting their punk ass and fly away. No one messes with bees.

            For the hive!

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - A

-A is for Ants-

                I hope you’re ready to learn a butt-ton about animals, yeah? Well buckle up, buckaroo, we start with the noble ant.

            Ants are pretty much the most coordinated animal ever, which is why they make awesome teammates in online games. Just fire up any copy of “Call of Nature: Animal Warfare” and you’ll hear not mooing or crowing over the mic-speak, but that incessant, annoying mandible chattering and antennae scraping. Thanks to their gargantuan strength (they can lift five times their body weight, if you tried that you’d be dead, nerd,) they can use game controllers with the cooperation of only one hundred of them- pretty sweet, right?

Don’t actually tell them it’s sweet, though, because ants have huge egos. I mean, it’s cool that you get a 36/2 kill/death ratio in CoN, but it’s not like it really matters in real life- chill out, ants.

            When they’re not training for or playing in game tourneys, they’re either guarding their nest, working to maintain it, or mating with the queen. As expected, their primary sources of nutrients are Doritos (tm) and Mountain Dew (tm), which keeps them in the “G-Zone” for as long as they need to defend their gamer lair from butthole spiders, jerk-nugget caterpillars, and nuclear bombs that have gained sentience.

            Ants live in stupid little zits in the ground they proudly call “hills” but it’s obvious for anyone who isn’t vertically-challenged to see that they’re really super small. To make their little hills they just dig stuff up and then spit and puke the dew all over it until they can make little tunnels. Nice try, ants, but you’re no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be on Cribs.