The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - E

-E is for Evil Cats-

    Let’s face it, cats suck pretty much 100% of the time. I know there are some cool things cats can do, like pooping on the shoes of guests you don’t like, or murdering your spouse, even providing some rare, soft comfort when the cat deems you worthy of spending time with it- but that’s where the good things end. You may have seen these creatures of legendary evil before: they’re always quieter than their environment rendering them without sound- unless of course they’re having one of the dreaded “cat fights” in which two of these demons face off against one another- get ready to not sleep at all. They also have a thick coat of fur that changes colors based on the color surrounding them in their natural habitat, high pieces of furniture and couches. In most cases, cat attack victims do not realize they are in the presence of a cat until it’s too late, and their neck has been sliced by their fiendish claws.

            Their prime tactic for destroying you is a cross of stealth and seduction, so be warned. Just came out of the shower? Feeling like relaxing with an adorable furry friend? Oh, he turned his belly to you? Think you can just pet him and get away with it? Well go ahead and *BAM!* DEAD!

            Always be on your guard, and only pet them when their feet are on the ground- the only way they could eviscerate you while their feet are on the ground is if you were the ground. I’m pretty sure you’re not the ground, so you’re safe.

            As a general rule, these fluffy grim reapers can be bribed with the souls of lesser creatures, like mice, voles, birdies, so if you ever have a problem with any of these pests, a cat would be a considerable choice for your Astral Xterminator Xtreme (Don’t steal that name I called it but feel free to use it as your cat’s title... I put the “Astral” in there to make it sound cooler- sorry if that wasn’t clear).

            Oh yes, and cats pee on everything, including the corpses of their fallen foes, so watch that- they’re pretty gross.

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - B

-B is for Bees-

                What’s there to say about the noble bee? Quite a lot, beelieve it or not. Now, everyone knows bees live in hives, which is basically a bunch of hardened gross stuff like the ants, but bees at least have the common courtesy to have their disgusting homes some place where you’re not going to step in it- I mean come on, ants; are you even trying?

            #1 thing to know about bees is to never mess with them, they’re like homing missle-rocket killing machine things, except they’re alive. You piss these badasses off, and you’re about to have a hundred poisoned flying knives stabbing your face. Don’t do it. If you even touch one of these angry winged Valkyries who have been raised with a whole diet of vinegar and salt, it’ll set off a little “bee signal” sending the entire horde your way to give you a birthday you’ll forget, only if you forget days in which your face is less “face” and more “angry poisioned flying knives that wait for you even if you hold your breath underwater”. So bee warned. To commune with the bees and beecome their allies, you’ll need to walk directly under their hive, spin around three times, and yell “HORNETS ARE POSERS” for an hour straight, after that, stick your butt into the air so that the queen, by now wondering what all the buzz outside is about, can give you your honorary stinger, thus employing you as a “bee keeper” the term given to those stalwart defenders of be kind. For your service you are delivered a jar of honey every week to pour upon yourself in glorious decadence.

            As a newly-born bee keeper, you receive sweet new bee-magic powers so awesome you won’t even beelieve it! Ready?- if you get on all fours and start crawling around on a circle while going “BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ” over and over, you’ll start to randomly transform inanimate objects around you into pure honey! Do this in public places for extra effect, because bees are communal creatures, and as such so is their mighty honey-making magic. It’s really funny if you do it in an apple store, because sometimes you honeyize one of their overpriced $2000 computers that have inferior specs to non-apple $500 computers. It makes the employees so mad, but when they come over to ask you to leave the store, you can just sting their punk ass and fly away. No one messes with bees.

            For the hive!

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - A

-A is for Ants-

                I hope you’re ready to learn a butt-ton about animals, yeah? Well buckle up, buckaroo, we start with the noble ant.

            Ants are pretty much the most coordinated animal ever, which is why they make awesome teammates in online games. Just fire up any copy of “Call of Nature: Animal Warfare” and you’ll hear not mooing or crowing over the mic-speak, but that incessant, annoying mandible chattering and antennae scraping. Thanks to their gargantuan strength (they can lift five times their body weight, if you tried that you’d be dead, nerd,) they can use game controllers with the cooperation of only one hundred of them- pretty sweet, right?

Don’t actually tell them it’s sweet, though, because ants have huge egos. I mean, it’s cool that you get a 36/2 kill/death ratio in CoN, but it’s not like it really matters in real life- chill out, ants.

            When they’re not training for or playing in game tourneys, they’re either guarding their nest, working to maintain it, or mating with the queen. As expected, their primary sources of nutrients are Doritos (tm) and Mountain Dew (tm), which keeps them in the “G-Zone” for as long as they need to defend their gamer lair from butthole spiders, jerk-nugget caterpillars, and nuclear bombs that have gained sentience.

            Ants live in stupid little zits in the ground they proudly call “hills” but it’s obvious for anyone who isn’t vertically-challenged to see that they’re really super small. To make their little hills they just dig stuff up and then spit and puke the dew all over it until they can make little tunnels. Nice try, ants, but you’re no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be on Cribs.