The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - H

-H is for Humuhumunukunukuapuaas “scientific name: Rhinecanthus aculeatus” AKA:Reef Triggerfish-

            Ahh, the humuhumunukunukuapuaas, what a majestic, long-named beast! The uneducated would just casually look it up on their witchery devices and tell you it’s a tropical fish from tropical Hawaii, one of that U.S.A. place’s fifty states. Foolish witches- as if your “cell phones” actually know anything!

            The Reef Triggerfish is the most hardcore fish in the ocean- next to Mantis Shrimp, Megaladons, and the biblical Leviathan: Maker of Waves. They’re the only fish in all the seven seas that boast not only an in-grown AK-47 with an unlimited magazine of hollowpoints, but the ability to fly with its sizable jet booster attached to its nose. Remember all those pirates swimming around the Caribbean, who do you think got rid of them? The English Imperials? Psssssh, no, it’s these guys. This, Dear Reader, was the prime inspiration by the Wright Brothers, those ingenious circus actors/inventors that created the first working airplane. It was only a matter of time before they attacked a machine gun on those bad boys and voilà! Imagining the resemblance now?

            It is little known that Reef Triggerfishies comprised every airborne division of the Hawaiian Volcano Lord Kamehameha, a cruel man known well for both his ability to charge his super attacks for several episodes, and his affinity for volcanos. Back in the secret age of the nineteen zerohundreds one could see them zooming everywhere in all of the tropical, triggery... reefy glory. They take a solid fourth spot on the ocean’s coolest animals-they’re also a hit at fireworks and air shows.

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - C

-C is for Cocks… uh, Roosters-

                So yeah, roosters are basically secret ninja assassins. The only reason they yell in the morning is to issue a challenge to all farm animals, none of which are awesome enough to take up the rooster and get into a sweet rooster ninja battle- cows may talk a big game, but they always back down- punks.

            The daily life of the rooster consists of arduous training regiments, not sleeping ever, and eating their young to increase their power. They’re pretty super badass- not as badass as wombats, but definitely the farmland champions.

            It is a little-known fact that roosters do in fact lay eggs they just hide them and use them as projectiles during combat. It’s a rookie mistake to think that they’re the male chickens, so don’t do it, or else you’ll get ambushed.

            It’s worth stating that roosters also have death-vision and can see into the souls of their victims. It is for this reason that you should never have one as a boyfriend or girlfriend, because the positives of having a loving, responsible, killing-machine boo is far outweighed by them knowing all of your deepest, darkest secrets. Now, unless you’re some “pure of heart” hero that thinks “twerking” is something you do with a “ratchet” (not entirely untrue, depending on definitions) you should avoid roosters and never ask them out for coffee.

            Roosters make great normal friends though! If you bro it up with one of these bad boys, you can just be all like: “Yo, rooster.” And rooster’ll be all like “sup?” you can just point out someone and ask them to find out their evil secrets.

            Ever wondered how celebrities always get caught doing nasty stuff? Roosters- the spirit animal of the CIA, MI6, and pretty much everyone else that does secrety things on the side of probably-good.