Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Y is for Yaks

-Y is for “Yaks”-
            Yaks are furry, dumb-looking, bipedal creatures that scavenge the wild tundras of high Africa for berries and small animals.
            But yeah, you guessed it, they’re aliens.
            Yaks think they’re so smart, acting dumb and stuff, but I know better! Those horns come right off, revealing their disgusting alien tentacles! Don’t trust yaks, Reader! Your brain depends on your brain making the right decision!
            Any chance they can take, they’ll go “muuuurrrr” which is the cry for “A human!” Tell me, Reader, have you ever wondered why you never hear them say “mur” when you’re not around? This is why. It’s a warning for them to perfect their guises and trick you, to death!
            Oh, you think they’re coming up for you to pet them? Wrong! They’re scanning you, so watch your back. If they come up to scan you, the following will maximize your chances of getting a “pass” for genetic experimentation.
            Do:
            -Wail and flail incessantly- if you can put on a dumb-sounding accent during your wailing, do it
            -Fall over on the ground and start convulsing violently. They’ll never trust to get an accurate read on something so intensely handicapped!
            -Wear horrible clothing: most anything from the 90’s will work perfectly
            Don’t:
            -Use complete sentences. I know it’s hard, you being so smart and such, Reader, but trust me on this one; grammatical correctness is not worth being probed.
            -Look smart. If you have any degree, or are particularly well-read, don’t make it obvious- you got that, Dr. Reader?
            -Agree for “Extended Yak Snuggle Screening”. I’m certain you know this by now, Reader, but there will be very little snuggling, and very much more probing.

            If you’ve been passed for probing, congratulations, the Yaks will not reveal their grisly true forms and you will sleep much more comfortably at night. Just be sure to call the CIA, MI6, or someone that could probably take care of them, you know, secretly.