Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - I

-I is for Iguanas-
            You think you know everything about Iguanas, right? Pretty standard, boring lizards, right?
            Think again, Reader.
            These are the living themometers of the animal kingdom, even putting the planet mercury to shame with their temperature-telling abilities. Ready to learn their great secrets? With these under your belt you can accurately tell the temperature anywhere. Listen closely to the wise Iguana, and there is much for you to learn of the world.
            Here’s a quick list of the phrases to watch for. I’ll be using farenheit in this case, because using inefficient systems of measurement is something Iguanas love.
            Say to yourself: “If my Iguana says or does “X”, Iguana know now that”:
            Says nothing: Temperature is around 70 degrees, comfortable for pretty much everyone except lava monsters.
            “Oliolioliooooooooo”: Relatively toasty, 75-90, don’t be shocked about the accent- Iguanas are a people of many cultures and tounges.
            “Ahhhhhh”: Hot, like 90-120 hot. Why do you even live in a place like that? I mean, I like beaches too, but do you really want all that sunitis? Is it really worth it?
            “I’M ON FIRE HELP HELP ME PLEASE HELP OHHHH HELP”: You’re probably on fire, melting, or being vaporized. Don’t worry about your Iguana though, these babies can take temperatures up to four thousand degrees!
            “Brrrr!”: Lower temperatures, 35-70
            Starts singing holiday songs: Intense cold, -100 to 35. You best snug up to your iguana for warmth- they’re the warmest warm-blooded animals around! Just don’t die. Dying while listening to “Jingle Bells” is generally considered an embarrassing way to go.
            “IT’S A WOMBILLON DEGREES OUTSIDE”: There’s a wombat outside. Grab your lizard and run.
            Now you know, and if you find any new temperature readings, Iguana know about it!


…Get it?