-I
is for Iguanas-
You think you know everything about Iguanas, right?
Pretty standard, boring lizards, right?
Think again, Reader.
These are the living themometers of the animal kingdom,
even putting the planet mercury to shame with their temperature-telling
abilities. Ready to learn their great secrets? With these under your belt you
can accurately tell the temperature anywhere. Listen closely to the wise
Iguana, and there is much for you to learn of the world.
Here’s a quick list of the phrases to watch for. I’ll be
using farenheit in this case, because using inefficient systems of measurement
is something Iguanas love.
Say to yourself: “If my Iguana says or does “X”, Iguana
know now that”:
Says nothing: Temperature is around 70 degrees,
comfortable for pretty much everyone except lava monsters.
“Oliolioliooooooooo”: Relatively toasty, 75-90, don’t be
shocked about the accent- Iguanas are a people of many cultures and tounges.
“Ahhhhhh”: Hot, like 90-120 hot. Why do you even live in
a place like that? I mean, I like beaches too, but do you really want all that
sunitis? Is it really worth it?
“I’M ON FIRE HELP HELP ME PLEASE HELP OHHHH HELP”: You’re
probably on fire, melting, or being vaporized. Don’t worry about your Iguana
though, these babies can take temperatures up to four thousand degrees!
“Brrrr!”: Lower temperatures, 35-70
Starts singing holiday songs: Intense cold, -100 to 35.
You best snug up to your iguana for warmth- they’re the warmest warm-blooded
animals around! Just don’t die. Dying while listening to “Jingle Bells” is
generally considered an embarrassing way to go.
“IT’S A WOMBILLON DEGREES OUTSIDE”: There’s a wombat
outside. Grab your lizard and run.
Now you know, and if you find any new temperature
readings, Iguana know about it!
…Get
it?
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