Monday, December 1, 2014

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - E

-E is for Evil Cats-
    Let’s face it, cats suck pretty much 100% of the time. I know there are some cool things cats can do, like pooping on the shoes of guests you don’t like, or murdering your spouse, even providing some rare, soft comfort when the cat deems you worthy of spending time with it- but that’s where the good things end. You may have seen these creatures of legendary evil before: they’re always quieter than their environment rendering them without sound- unless of course they’re having one of the dreaded “cat fights” in which two of these demons face off against one another- get ready to not sleep at all. They also have a thick coat of fur that changes colors based on the color surrounding them in their natural habitat, high pieces of furniture and couches. In most cases, cat attack victims do not realize they are in the presence of a cat until it’s too late, and their neck has been sliced by their fiendish claws.
            Their prime tactic for destroying you is a cross of stealth and seduction, so be warned. Just came out of the shower? Feeling like relaxing with an adorable furry friend? Oh, he turned his belly to you? Think you can just pet him and get away with it? Well go ahead and *BAM!* DEAD!
            Always be on your guard, and only pet them when their feet are on the ground- the only way they could eviscerate you while their feet are on the ground is if you were the ground. I’m pretty sure you’re not the ground, so you’re safe.
            As a general rule, these fluffy grim reapers can be bribed with the souls of lesser creatures, like mice, voles, birdies, so if you ever have a problem with any of these pests, a cat would be a considerable choice for your Astral Xterminator Xtreme (Don’t steal that name I called it but feel free to use it as your cat’s title... I put the “Astral” in there to make it sound cooler- sorry if that wasn’t clear).
            Oh yes, and cats pee on everything, including the corpses of their fallen foes, so watch that- they’re pretty gross.