Monday, December 15, 2014

The Great and Radical-Awesome Animal ABCS - G

-G is for Grizzly Bears-
            W-watch out! What’s that hiding in those nearby trees? D-darn it, Reader! I told you we shouldn’t have gone camping out in a mountain biome- being sucked dry by mosquitos beats getting mauled by squirrels any day! Oh no, here it comes out of the brush, get that knife ready, Reader! Okay, g-… Oh, it’s just a bear. Put that cutting tool down, reader, this is a noble protector of the wild!
            Bears are about the most peaceful folks to ever chill out on our planet. They’re actually quite kindly to you as long as you don’t challenge them. The problem here is that bears interpret challenges upon their honor in very peculiar ways. If you are under level 15 and have a deathwish, do the following to meet your end:
            -Cover yourself with food
            -Attack it
            -Hug, pet, kick, or interact with their children in any way
            -Look delicious at all
            -Start forest fires
            -Be a bee lord, the sovereign foe of all bear kind
            So watch your game, Reader. If you’re nice they’re usually shy, quiet mountain creatures with a high resistance to frost- if not, you’re a dead duck, a doomed didgeridoo, a demonized…
            Anyway, Dear Reader, don’t panic. Usually you can get on their good side by giving them an offering of a dead bee lord, a few gallons of honey, or the disembodied souls of ten-thousand bees… Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: the honey one is definitely the way to go. However there’s a few exceptional ways to buddy up to bear. If they’re country bears you could throw them a big jamboree. If they’re made of arterial materials you could just make ‘em a big blue house. If they’re Russian you could call their name, Molotov, as you mix a great vat of borsht. It’s common knowledge that all Russian-born bears answer to the name of Molotov, and that they all love borsht- which makes them strong like Russian beet.

            Be the friend of bears, Dear Reader, and enjoy all zero benefits their friendship brings. Well, unless you count not getting mauled a benefit… Yeah, I guess that is sorta cool.