Friday, November 28, 2014

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - B

-B is for Bees-
                What’s there to say about the noble bee? Quite a lot, beelieve it or not. Now, everyone knows bees live in hives, which is basically a bunch of hardened gross stuff like the ants, but bees at least have the common courtesy to have their disgusting homes some place where you’re not going to step in it- I mean come on, ants; are you even trying?
            #1 thing to know about bees is to never mess with them, they’re like homing missle-rocket killing machine things, except they’re alive. You piss these badasses off, and you’re about to have a hundred poisoned flying knives stabbing your face. Don’t do it. If you even touch one of these angry winged Valkyries who have been raised with a whole diet of vinegar and salt, it’ll set off a little “bee signal” sending the entire horde your way to give you a birthday you’ll forget, only if you forget days in which your face is less “face” and more “angry poisioned flying knives that wait for you even if you hold your breath underwater”. So bee warned. To commune with the bees and beecome their allies, you’ll need to walk directly under their hive, spin around three times, and yell “HORNETS ARE POSERS” for an hour straight, after that, stick your butt into the air so that the queen, by now wondering what all the buzz outside is about, can give you your honorary stinger, thus employing you as a “bee keeper” the term given to those stalwart defenders of be kind. For your service you are delivered a jar of honey every week to pour upon yourself in glorious decadence.
            As a newly-born bee keeper, you receive sweet new bee-magic powers so awesome you won’t even beelieve it! Ready?- if you get on all fours and start crawling around on a circle while going “BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ” over and over, you’ll start to randomly transform inanimate objects around you into pure honey! Do this in public places for extra effect, because bees are communal creatures, and as such so is their mighty honey-making magic. It’s really funny if you do it in an apple store, because sometimes you honeyize one of their overpriced $2000 computers that have inferior specs to non-apple $500 computers. It makes the employees so mad, but when they come over to ask you to leave the store, you can just sting their punk ass and fly away. No one messes with bees.

            For the hive!