Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Great and Radical Awesome Animal ABCS - A

-A is for Ants-
                I hope you’re ready to learn a butt-ton about animals, yeah? Well buckle up, buckaroo, we start with the noble ant.
            Ants are pretty much the most coordinated animal ever, which is why they make awesome teammates in online games. Just fire up any copy of “Call of Nature: Animal Warfare” and you’ll hear not mooing or crowing over the mic-speak, but that incessant, annoying mandible chattering and antennae scraping. Thanks to their gargantuan strength (they can lift five times their body weight, if you tried that you’d be dead, nerd,) they can use game controllers with the cooperation of only one hundred of them- pretty sweet, right?
Don’t actually tell them it’s sweet, though, because ants have huge egos. I mean, it’s cool that you get a 36/2 kill/death ratio in CoN, but it’s not like it really matters in real life- chill out, ants.
            When they’re not training for or playing in game tourneys, they’re either guarding their nest, working to maintain it, or mating with the queen. As expected, their primary sources of nutrients are Doritos (tm) and Mountain Dew (tm), which keeps them in the “G-Zone” for as long as they need to defend their gamer lair from butthole spiders, jerk-nugget caterpillars, and nuclear bombs that have gained sentience.
            Ants live in stupid little zits in the ground they proudly call “hills” but it’s obvious for anyone who isn’t vertically-challenged to see that they’re really super small. To make their little hills they just dig stuff up and then spit and puke the dew all over it until they can make little tunnels. Nice try, ants, but you’re no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be on Cribs.