-A
is for Ants-
I
hope you’re ready to learn a butt-ton about animals, yeah? Well buckle up,
buckaroo, we start with the noble ant.
Ants
are pretty much the most coordinated animal ever, which is why they make
awesome teammates in online games. Just fire up any copy of “Call of Nature:
Animal Warfare” and you’ll hear not mooing or crowing over the mic-speak, but
that incessant, annoying mandible chattering and antennae scraping. Thanks to
their gargantuan strength (they can lift five times their body weight, if you
tried that you’d be dead, nerd,) they can use game controllers with the
cooperation of only one hundred of them- pretty sweet, right?
Don’t actually tell
them it’s sweet, though, because ants have huge egos. I mean, it’s cool that
you get a 36/2 kill/death ratio in CoN, but it’s not like it really matters in
real life- chill out, ants.
When
they’re not training for or playing in game tourneys, they’re either guarding
their nest, working to maintain it, or mating with the queen. As expected, their
primary sources of nutrients are Doritos (tm) and Mountain Dew (tm), which
keeps them in the “G-Zone” for as long as they need to defend their gamer lair
from butthole spiders, jerk-nugget caterpillars, and nuclear bombs that have
gained sentience.
Ants
live in stupid little zits in the ground they proudly call “hills” but it’s
obvious for anyone who isn’t vertically-challenged to see that they’re really
super small. To make their little hills they just dig stuff up and then spit
and puke the dew all over it until they can make little tunnels. Nice try,
ants, but you’re no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be on Cribs.
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