Thursday, November 6, 2014

Quickie of the maybe-week- 11/6/14

Good day, me hearties!

I'll try to be pretty active with this blog, and you should be interested in me being active with this blog because I'm going to use tactical bribes!

That's right. Here's a tidbit of writing for you to enjoy, check back often for more . . . writery!

This is a highly experimental, totally-unfinished piece as an attempt to write a self-help book; the theme being on how to become an Overlord and oppress your friends and family! Please enjoy . . . and don't question my mental stability, it's all there! . . . really!

The Youngling’s Guide to Becoming an Overlord
By Kell Inkston

                Imagine, Reader, for only a moment if you will.
                You are walking along in your favorite suspicious alleyway after eating at your favorite southern-style fast-food restaurant, when you are encountered by a swarm of well-coordinated, highly-trained pissed-to-hell-off bees.
                Oh, and each one has a knife and a shady accent of whatever ethnic group you’re the most afraid of, by the way, (Probably Italian, just saying.) .
                Tell me, Reader, what would you do?
                A: Run from them?
                B: Reason with them?
                C: Defecate out of fear?
                D: Appeal to their culture: “Eeeeey! Don’t be upsetti, have some Spaghetti!”
                Well, if you answered with A, B, C, or D, then this book is for you! Why? Because overlords, that is, great, mighty rulers over weaklings, don’t have to worry about the problem of armed bee attacks, because an overlord could easily threaten them into subordination, and if that didn’t work, use magic to destroy their foolish bee asses.
                Oh? You’re not really interested in wielding ultimate power? Pffft, Liar. As if you didn’t have wet dreams every night about punching bees in their bee faces. Don’t even try to argue that, everyone has dreams of murdering bees.
                That aside, throughout the pages of this work you will learn the basics on how to become the roughest, toughest overlord around, beating up dragons, weaklings, heroes, and yes, even bees. To properly use the knowledge contained within, Mr. or Ms. Reader will have approach it with an open mind, and a non-weakling –like disposition.

                So, you really want to be an overlord, huh? Well first let’s check you out and see what qualities you have to be an overlord, if you’re lacking in any of the qualities listed below, simply visit that chapter and follow the directions. Or, if you’re already a fairly-badass overlord who’s already on your feet, maybe just visit anything you need to brush up on.

                -Can you strike the fear into someone just by staring at them? (Ch. 1: AUTHORITY)
                -Can you kill a dragon by tearing its head off?  (Ch. 2: POWER)
                -Do you have a lair? (Ch. 3: ASSETS, PART ONE)
                -Do you have any minions? (Ch. 4: ASSETS, PART TWO)
-Are you either super-cool, super-scary, or super-sexy? (Ch. 5: IMAGE)
                -Can you play the pipe organ well? (Ch.6: OVERLORDLY TALENTS)
                -What do you even do with your time? (Ch.7 OVERLORDLY ACTIVITIES)
                -What do you even do with your minions? (Ch.8 THE OVERLORD TOWER AND BEYOND)

                CHAPTER ONE: AUTHORITY
                So, if you’re reading this chapter right off there’s a good chance you’re new to overlording. Perhaps you’re a pasty, weak, non-on-fire baby faced bottom-wiper that actually waits in line to get on rides.
                Come on. We all know waiting on others is for minions!
                You’re not a minion, are you? No? I bet you are.
                Do you have a job?
                Do you take orders from a significant other?
                Do you let anyone tell you what to do?
                Well guess what, minion? If you do to any of these, you’re just a dirty little minion! Go on outside, minion baby, go play in the dirt while squealing “MASTER MASTER, PLEASE NO THE SQUALOR!” loud enough so that the neighbors can hear you.
                . . . Oh, you don’t want to?
                Well maybe you should try being an overlord, then. Let me break it down for you.
                You must generate an air of superiority among your peers and fellow mortals. You must look at people as if they’re wasting your time, when you could be out murdering dragons, or killing armies, or  beating Satan at a guitar-playing contest. You need to just pull down your pants, down them how unafraid you are, and yell: “FUCK YOU, I CALL THE SHOTS!” I don’t care what nether parts you have, a weenie or a patty are both pretty terrifying to look at in most cases, especially if you light all the pubes on fire while you say it.
                Now go ahead and do that.
                Okay, now considering that your problem was a boss at work, I’d guess that one of two things happened. Either you got fired, or your boss fell on thon’s poor, foolish, weak-ass knees, begging you not to destroy thon.
                Either way, good job. Now you’re in charge.
                No, really, take a breath, you’ve just freed yourself from authority, and instated your own! You can now enjoy your newly-found freedom by pulling down your pants again and taking a huge dump on your new desk at work, (ordering your ex-boss to clean it up) or by taking a huge dump on the homeless shelter floor, in case you actually lost your job and couldn’t afford your stupid apartment any longer.
                You are now a liberated creature. You have just taken the first step to ruling the world, though there are some pretty serious things to consider now. Even though you may now be the boss at your place of work, aren’t there still other levels of authority you need to take care of? Perhaps your boss boss, or your government, or even God! Of course, the last time we heard about someone yelling “FUCK YOU, I CALL THE SHOTS!” in God’s face, didn’t end up too good. You remember Satan, that guy that’s been trying so hard to start his own band? Yeah, it was him.
                Don’t worry though, baby steps! One thing at a time!
                Now that you’re (sorta) free from tyrannical oppression, it’s time for you to work on your actions and posture.
                View the following diagrams. [once I hire a competent artist]
                Here we have classic examples of a non-overlord, and an overlord. Ignore the fact that the overlord is on fire, it all sorta comes with the whole “being an overlord” part. What we want to focus on is the posture.
                First, we have the non-overlord. I mean, really, look at those glasses, pffft, an obvious sign of weakness! If you lost them, how could you see? If you have this problem, get contacts ASAP. Wow, look at those shoulders, so curvy and dumb-looking, there’s no confidence there. Ugh, and he’s slouching. Gross. His gaze is unfocused and his expression is nervous. This poor weakling not only looks weak, he also looks like a complete minion. Not the good kind of minion, either. He looks like a complete “myeeeehs maaahster!” sort of minion, and you do not want a minion like that. They slip up all the time, and you can’t take them seriously; really they just look really silly.
                Now let’s look at our overlord. Holy shit! Check out this guy! Covered in all this badass armor, broad shoulders, confident posture, and using magic to make his gaze more terrifying to boot! This guy looks like a total bro, and would be mega-capable in raiding villages and beating up goodie-two-shoes knights and stuff. He would probably even agree to share the loot from the pillaging, one overlord to another.
                This guy’s obviously got it going on; you want to look like this.
                I mean, I don’t even think I need to explain this further. You need confidence; an over alpha mentality. I added “over” to the “alpha” to make it even more alpha than normal alphas! A normal alpha creature, while heralded as the leader of their pack, is still not seen as better than all of the pack combined.
                That’s you, you’re the over-alpha.
                Make sure everyone knows how confident and invincible you are, don’t let your  past weaklingness get in the way of your dreams of being a super-badass!

                Now, let’s go through a few exercises to make sure you’ve got this down.

                You’re walking through a battlefield strewn with corpses that you killed, and you find a survivor! He’s totally spooked and is being a huge baby about his father and brother being killed in the battle against you, and is holding his father’s disembodied head, crying in abysmal sorrow. Do you:
                A: Stare that weakass down, and then apologize for murdering his kin?
                B: Pat him on the head and raise the two back to life with magic?
                C: Scream with a huge grin on your face before you stomp him into oblivion?
                D: Say something cool and then leave?
                If you chose B, you’re flat wrong.
                If you chose A, you’re still not in the cool zone.
                If you chose D: you’re  alright.
                If you chose C: You’ve got it.
                You can’t give this poor butthole any comfort in murdering his dad and bro, because he doesn’t deserve any! You, as an overlord, own their lives, and can do what you want with them! What right does he have to be sad about you murdering thousands and piling the bodies into nice little hills? None, that’s what!
                It may take a while, but eventually you’ll get into this whole “right of the overlord” thing.

                Let’s try another:
                So you just came back from robbing a grocery store using your stare as a weapon, and your children rush around you in disappointment the moment they realize you didn’t bring back their desired stupidly-unhealthy non-overlord fruit snacks for their unnecessary mortal birthday party. By the way, all of your children are intensely obese, smelly as garbage dumps, incessantly-noisy, and wake you up in the middle of the night from their screaming, only because they had a nightmare about their cereal telling them that they’re not popular at their social-reject private school. Do you:
                A: Apologize and go back to the store, robbing it again.
                B: Apologize and go back to the store, using actual money this time.
                C: Chase them around the lair with a paddle and laugh when they’re too slow to escape your fit overlord body.
                D: Chase them around the lair with a paddle, and then after a lengthy spanking  of two hours, you return to the store and murder everyone if they refuse to give you the fruit snacks, which you will eat in front of your children, giving them none.