I'll try to be pretty active with this blog, and you should be interested in me being active with this blog because I'm going to use tactical bribes!
That's right. Here's a tidbit of writing for you to enjoy, check back often for more . . . writery!
This is a highly experimental, totally-unfinished piece as an attempt to write a self-help book; the theme being on how to become an Overlord and oppress your friends and family! Please enjoy . . . and don't question my mental stability, it's all there! . . . really!
The Youngling’s Guide
to Becoming an Overlord
By Kell Inkston
INTRODUCTION-
Imagine,
Reader, for only a moment if you will.
You are
walking along in your favorite suspicious alleyway after eating at your
favorite southern-style fast-food restaurant, when you are encountered by a
swarm of well-coordinated, highly-trained pissed-to-hell-off bees.
Oh, and
each one has a knife and a shady accent of whatever ethnic group you’re the
most afraid of, by the way, (Probably Italian, just saying.) .
Tell
me, Reader, what would you do?
A: Run
from them?
B:
Reason with them?
C: Defecate
out of fear?
D: Appeal
to their culture: “Eeeeey! Don’t be upsetti, have some Spaghetti!”
Well,
if you answered with A, B, C, or D, then this book is for you! Why? Because
overlords, that is, great, mighty rulers over weaklings, don’t have to worry
about the problem of armed bee attacks, because an overlord could easily
threaten them into subordination, and if that didn’t work, use magic to destroy
their foolish bee asses.
Oh?
You’re not really interested in wielding ultimate power? Pffft, Liar. As if you
didn’t have wet dreams every night
about punching bees in their bee faces. Don’t even try to argue that, everyone
has dreams of murdering bees.
That
aside, throughout the pages of this work you will learn the basics on how to
become the roughest, toughest overlord around, beating up dragons, weaklings,
heroes, and yes, even bees. To
properly use the knowledge contained within, Mr. or Ms. Reader will have
approach it with an open mind, and a non-weakling –like disposition.
INDEX
OF OVERLORDLY GREATNESS:
So, you
really want to be an overlord, huh? Well first let’s check you out and see what
qualities you have to be an overlord, if you’re lacking in any of the qualities
listed below, simply visit that chapter and follow the directions. Or, if
you’re already a fairly-badass overlord who’s already on your feet, maybe just
visit anything you need to brush up on.
-Can
you strike the fear into someone just by staring at them? (Ch. 1: AUTHORITY)
-Can
you kill a dragon by tearing its head off?
(Ch. 2: POWER)
-Do you
have a lair? (Ch. 3: ASSETS, PART ONE)
-Do you
have any minions? (Ch. 4: ASSETS, PART TWO)
-Are you either super-cool,
super-scary, or super-sexy? (Ch. 5: IMAGE)
-Can
you play the pipe organ well? (Ch.6: OVERLORDLY TALENTS)
-What
do you even do with your time? (Ch.7 OVERLORDLY ACTIVITIES)
-What
do you even do with your minions? (Ch.8 THE OVERLORD TOWER AND BEYOND)
CHAPTER
ONE: AUTHORITY
So, if
you’re reading this chapter right off there’s a good chance you’re new to
overlording. Perhaps you’re a pasty, weak, non-on-fire baby faced bottom-wiper
that actually waits in line to get on
rides.
HA!
Come
on. We all know waiting on others is for minions!
You’re
not a minion, are you? No? I bet you are.
Do you
have a job?
Do you
take orders from a significant other?
Do you
let anyone tell you what to do?
Well
guess what, minion? If you do to any of these, you’re just a dirty little
minion! Go on outside, minion baby, go play in the dirt while squealing “MASTER
MASTER, PLEASE NO THE SQUALOR!” loud enough so that the neighbors can hear you.
. . .
Oh, you don’t want to?
Well
maybe you should try being an overlord, then. Let me break it down for you.
You
must generate an air of superiority
among your peers and fellow mortals. You must look at people as if they’re
wasting your time, when you could be out murdering dragons, or killing armies,
or beating Satan at a guitar-playing
contest. You need to just pull down your pants, down them how unafraid you are,
and yell: “FUCK YOU, I CALL THE SHOTS!” I don’t care what nether parts you
have, a weenie or a patty are both pretty terrifying to look at in most cases,
especially if you light all the pubes on fire while you say it.
Now
go ahead and do that.
Okay,
now considering that your problem was a boss at work, I’d guess that one of two
things happened. Either you got fired, or your boss fell on thon’s poor,
foolish, weak-ass knees, begging you not to destroy thon.
Either
way, good job. Now you’re in charge.
No,
really, take a breath, you’ve just freed yourself from authority, and instated
your own! You can now enjoy your newly-found freedom by pulling down your pants
again and taking a huge dump on your new desk at work, (ordering your ex-boss
to clean it up) or by taking a huge dump on the homeless shelter floor, in case
you actually lost your job and couldn’t afford your stupid apartment any
longer.
You are
now a liberated creature. You have just taken the first step to ruling the
world, though there are some pretty serious things to consider now. Even though
you may now be the boss at your place of work, aren’t there still other levels of authority you need to
take care of? Perhaps your boss boss, or your government, or even God! Of course, the last time we heard
about someone yelling “FUCK YOU, I CALL THE SHOTS!” in God’s face, didn’t end
up too good. You remember Satan, that guy that’s been trying so hard to start
his own band? Yeah, it was him.
Don’t
worry though, baby steps! One thing at a time!
Now
that you’re (sorta) free from tyrannical oppression, it’s time for you to work
on your actions and posture.
View
the following diagrams. [once I hire a competent artist]
Here we
have classic examples of a non-overlord, and an overlord. Ignore the fact that
the overlord is on fire, it all sorta comes with the whole “being an overlord”
part. What we want to focus on is the posture.
First,
we have the non-overlord. I mean, really, look at those glasses, pffft, an
obvious sign of weakness! If you lost them, how could you see? If you have this
problem, get contacts ASAP. Wow, look at those shoulders, so curvy and
dumb-looking, there’s no confidence there. Ugh, and he’s slouching. Gross. His gaze is unfocused and his expression is
nervous. This poor weakling not only looks weak, he also looks like a complete minion. Not the good kind of minion,
either. He looks like a complete “myeeeehs maaahster!” sort of minion, and you do not want a minion like that. They
slip up all the time, and you can’t take them seriously; really they just look
really silly.
Now
let’s look at our overlord. Holy shit! Check out this guy! Covered in all this
badass armor, broad shoulders, confident posture, and using magic to make his
gaze more terrifying to boot! This guy looks like a total bro, and would be
mega-capable in raiding villages and beating up goodie-two-shoes knights and
stuff. He would probably even agree to share the loot from the pillaging, one
overlord to another.
This
guy’s obviously got it going on; you want to look like this.
I mean,
I don’t even think I need to explain this further. You need confidence; an over alpha mentality. I added “over” to the “alpha” to make it even more
alpha than normal alphas! A normal alpha creature, while heralded as the leader
of their pack, is still not seen as better than all of the pack combined.
That’s
you, you’re the over-alpha.
Make
sure everyone knows how confident and invincible you are, don’t let your past weaklingness get in the way of your
dreams of being a super-badass!
Now, let’s
go through a few exercises to make sure you’ve got this down.
You’re
walking through a battlefield strewn with corpses that you killed, and you find
a survivor! He’s totally spooked and is being a huge baby about his father and
brother being killed in the battle against you, and is holding his father’s
disembodied head, crying in abysmal sorrow. Do you:
A:
Stare that weakass down, and then apologize for murdering his kin?
B: Pat
him on the head and raise the two back to life with magic?
C:
Scream with a huge grin on your face before you stomp him into oblivion?
D: Say
something cool and then leave?
If you
chose B, you’re flat wrong.
If you
chose A, you’re still not in the cool zone.
If you
chose D: you’re alright.
If you
chose C: You’ve got it.
You
can’t give this poor butthole any comfort in murdering his dad and bro, because
he doesn’t deserve any! You, as an overlord, own their lives, and can do what
you want with them! What right does he
have to be sad about you murdering thousands and piling the bodies into nice
little hills? None, that’s what!
It may
take a while, but eventually you’ll get into this whole “right of the overlord”
thing.
Let’s
try another:
So you
just came back from robbing a grocery store using your stare as a weapon, and
your children rush around you in disappointment the moment they realize you
didn’t bring back their desired stupidly-unhealthy non-overlord fruit snacks
for their unnecessary mortal birthday party. By the way, all of your children
are intensely obese, smelly as garbage dumps, incessantly-noisy, and wake you
up in the middle of the night from their screaming, only because they had a
nightmare about their cereal telling them that they’re not popular at their
social-reject private school. Do you:
A: Apologize
and go back to the store, robbing it again.
B:
Apologize and go back to the store, using actual money this time.
C:
Chase them around the lair with a paddle and laugh when they’re too slow to
escape your fit overlord body.
D:
Chase them around the lair with a paddle, and then after a lengthy
spanking of two hours, you return to the
store and murder everyone if they refuse to give you the fruit snacks, which
you will eat in front of your children, giving them none.
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