Sunday, December 28, 2014

-O is for Owls-

-O is for Owls-
            Alright, Reader- don’t lose your bowels, we’re gonna’ talk about owls.

            …Gah, I’m sorry, I had to.

            All puns aside, owls are masters of aerial combat. To hunt, they flip upside down and turn their head around so quickly, that their entire body acts as a propeller once they spread their wings. They soar about the forests like helicopters, their laser eyes obliterating their prey in a single burst of crimson light. The only natural predator of the owl is the fox, who can outfly their crafty laser maneuvers and ringa ding ding them to an early avian grave- a good thing, too, because owls are the #1 cause of forest fires, flash floods, and bird flu worldwide- they are truly a menace.
            But enough of what the owl can do to you- let’s talk about what the owl can do for you.
            While owls are certainly unpredictable and dangerous creatures, they have a great affinity for hipsters- no one truly knows why, but owls are often seen as the official bird of hipsters. To avoid the wrath of these beasts, it would be wise to commit an ingenious ruse upon them, and flabbergast their feathery behinds.
            You will need any of the following. The more you get, the better your chances:
            -Stupid hat or beanie (extra points if it’s labeled with a band you’ve made up)
            -Ray Bans or equally-pretentious-looking eyewear, even if you don’t need glasses. (You’re wearing them ironically, after all.)
            -Sniveling sneer of condescension. Look as insufferable as you possibly can. If you can envision what pure contempt for one’s society while still feeling it owes you looks like, manifest that onto your face with the utmost of dutifulness. (Remember, it’s the world’s job to care for you.)
            -Earthy-colored coat: blacks, browns, and other austere-looking get ups, preferably for Winter or Fall fashion varieties. This is to ensure everyone thinks you’re down to earth and only want life’s most simple pleasures, also to make it look as though you’ve worked an actual day in your entire life. Extra points for covering it with dried up leaves before you’re seen.
            -Real life Instagram filters: This is ideal for tricking owls into thinking you’re just as vapid as they are, attempting to add emotional meaning to even the most mundane objects, like plates of food or coffee mugs. Extra points if it’s sepia- that’ll trick’em for sure.

            Do any of this, and you’ll be safe from the feathery menace!