-F
is for Foxes-
Look, I don’t
think it’s necessary to tell you that foxes are cool. They have all the awesome
qualities of dogs and cats (if cats even have any) without any of the
drawbacks. You heard that the British were once very big on hunting these,
right- one of those imperial-era sports. The reason they were so prized is
because they were actually invincible.
Foxes were known in the older days for being vampiric flying demon-beasts that
soared across the land in the search for chicken blood, the most famous
casualty being Lord Rooster Chanticleer, though most revisionist texts write it
with Chanticleer surviving, rather than getting 100% wrecked the way proper
history teaches.
Anyway back to the hunting, foxes could only be killed by
putting a steak into their heart or decapitation- problem is foxes can fly, and
even when their bat wings are too weak to pull them off the ground in their
older ages, they’re sickeningly fast on their feet, which is why those big fat
lords needed hounds and horses to get ‘em.
Now; however the war is over, and you too can befriend
your very own fox! You could name ‘em… you know, Mc’Cloud, or Jonsey, or
Cartwright, some good fox-based name. Just remember that if you get one as a
pet that they feed on a constant diet of blood, so be sure to leave the window
open for them for them to go drain the neighbor’s cats, maybe their dogs, but
preferably their cats- cats are gross.
Other things you should consider to befriend your very
own fluffy vampire:
-Tiny fox-sized coffin
-Speaking their language (RING DING DING DINGA DI-)
-Supplying them with plenteous scuppernongs, the
noble fox’s favorite sustenance… next to blood, of course
-Not impaling them with wooden stakes
-Buying little capes for them
Taking these precautions under your belt you can now
safely befriend a kindly fox to your side. Give ‘em a ring or a ding for me,
won’t you?
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