Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Awesome Animal ABCs - F

-F is for Foxes-
                Look, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you that foxes are cool. They have all the awesome qualities of dogs and cats (if cats even have any) without any of the drawbacks. You heard that the British were once very big on hunting these, right- one of those imperial-era sports. The reason they were so prized is because they were actually invincible. Foxes were known in the older days for being vampiric flying demon-beasts that soared across the land in the search for chicken blood, the most famous casualty being Lord Rooster Chanticleer, though most revisionist texts write it with Chanticleer surviving, rather than getting 100% wrecked the way proper history teaches.
            Anyway back to the hunting, foxes could only be killed by putting a steak into their heart or decapitation- problem is foxes can fly, and even when their bat wings are too weak to pull them off the ground in their older ages, they’re sickeningly fast on their feet, which is why those big fat lords needed hounds and horses to get ‘em.
            Now; however the war is over, and you too can befriend your very own fox! You could name ‘em… you know, Mc’Cloud, or Jonsey, or Cartwright, some good fox-based name. Just remember that if you get one as a pet that they feed on a constant diet of blood, so be sure to leave the window open for them for them to go drain the neighbor’s cats, maybe their dogs, but preferably their cats- cats are gross.
            Other things you should consider to befriend your very own fluffy vampire:
            -Tiny fox-sized coffin
            -Speaking their language (RING DING DING DINGA DI-)
            -Supplying them with plenteous scuppernongs, the noble fox’s favorite sustenance… next to blood, of course
            -Not impaling them with wooden stakes
            -Buying little capes for them

            Taking these precautions under your belt you can now safely befriend a kindly fox to your side. Give ‘em a ring or a ding for me, won’t you?